


Elsamaren: The Novel

by Fieldandfountain



Category: Frozen (Disney Movies), Shrek (Movies), Sonic the Hedgehog - All Media Types
Genre: Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, F/F, Frozen 2 (2019) Spoilers, LGBTQ Themes, Lesbian Character of Color, Lesbian Elsa (Disney), M/M, Magic Gay Swamp, Pining, Wise Mentor!Shrek, competent lesbians, literal rainbows
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-06
Updated: 2019-12-06
Packaged: 2021-02-25 04:42:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,231
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21690355
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fieldandfountain/pseuds/Fieldandfountain
Summary: Extremely LGBT friendly and life affirming Crackfic that will save you. Honeymaren has been fixated on Elsa since she first arrived in the Enchanted Forest, but only dares to confront her feelings (with the help of a friendly swamp dweller) when Elsa is forced into marriage with an off-brand Hedgehog. Takes place after the events of Frozen 2. Only for gays and allies.
Relationships: Elsa/Honeymaren (Disney)
Comments: 7
Kudos: 33





	Elsamaren: The Novel

Honeymaren peeked from behind the elm tree, deep into the wide field where a blaze of pink fire blossomed from the snow. She giggled as Elsa wrapped it in a tornado of white flurries and the little blue creature across from her squeaked in annoyance. It was Bruni, Elsa's new companion and playmate since she had settled here in forest, and to Honeymaren, a highly respected Spirit. She often had her snow companion, Olaf, as well, but today he was with her sister.

A warm glow rose on Honeymaren's cold cheeks. It was winter now, but looking at Elsa in her shoulder baring gown and feet shod in delicate sandles, one hardly would have known. The sun reflected off the snow onto her white-blonde hair, creating a brilliant halo. _Lovely_ , came the thought, unprompted and unfamiliar.

Honeymaren quietly picked up her bow and slung it over her shoulder. No use disturbing them. Elsa was polite to the Northuldra and sometimes met with Yelena, the village elder, but had generally kept to herself since she arrived in the fall. Honeymaren didn't butt in where she wasn't wanted, especially when two spirits were at play, but something about Elsa felt both less and more than a Spirit. She saw it in a sorrowful glance at the sea, the way Elsa fidgeted with her hands, her happiness at learning about the world around her. Honeymaren would not intrude, though Elsa did, in a way- Elsa's graceful form found its way into her thoughts at night as she curled up under her furs, and as she led the reindeer to pasture.

Again, not Honeymaren's business. And she should be hunting. Ryder was with the herd, but when the sun was at the peak of the sky, she would be expected to take over reindeer duty. Luckily, her years with her bow had taught her to sneak quietly, and even a Spirit wouldn't notice. Except perhaps Gale, who picked up everything. The lightest touch of wind tousled her hair, and frowning, Honeymaren pushed her hat firmly back on her head.

Turning the bend, she caught a flash of blue. "Bruni?" she whispered, but he had never been that quick. She gasped as a strange blue beast stopped abruptly in front of her. It had a stare that wouldn't have alarmed her on its own, but its gaping mouth with human teeth, and oddly human proportions led her to back up against a tree, her hands fumbling for her bow. "Oh, no, oh no, oh no," she mouthed.

The beast tapped his foot and raised his eyebrow. It was then she noticed under his lengthy man-legs the familiar red shoes. "Sonic?" She asked, feeling the blood drain from her face. She knew about the famed speedster hedgehog, but had never expected this.

He snorted. "The name's Sanic, sister. Common mistake." He checked his watch. "Seen a girl about? Blonde hair, white dress, ice powers. Did I mention, fine as hell?" Sanic smirked, and Honeymaren's disgust turned to fury. Her tribe was respectful of outsiders, but this was too much. "She's a _Spirit_ ," she spat.

Sonic chuckled, his people teeth more grotesque than ever. "Yeah, a spirited little filly, and I'm going to tame her." He winked at Honeymaren. "Listen, sister, here's the dealio. I need a bride to continue the Sanic line, and it seems like she's already dressed for our wedding. Gotta go fast!" In an instant he was by Elsa's side.

Honeymaren huffed, and slipped back into her hiding spot. She nocked an arrow, ready at a moments notice to feather the little bastard if he so much as touched her.

But he didn't, and soon she lay down her bow. They were talking, and then laughing. Honeymaren counted each visible breath as her body chilled. Elsa had never been so free with her- with the Northuldra. To her shock, Elsa picked up the creature and spun him the air, his disturbingly long legs kicking. Soon he was joining in the game, Elsa shooting snow flurries as he ran in a circle around her.

Honeymaren spun around, unable to take anymore. The cold that had settled over her skin sunk deeper, chilling her being. She touched her chest- what was this? She couldn't feel this way, not for a Spirit. Or was it for a woman? Sanic had shattered everything, and Honeymaren felt herself racing homeward, the tears chilling in her eyes.

Back at the hut, Ryder and Yelana had gathered by the fire. "Ryder?" She asked. "What about the herd?"

Yelana spoke for him. "I needed Ryder here today. And you. Your uncle is with the reindeer. I say your uncle, because he's not Ryder's uncle."

Honeymaren pulled off her hide gloves and brushed away the thawed tears. "What do you mean?" she sniffed.

Yelena shrugged, and then chuckled. "I mean you're not brother and sister."

Ryder and Honeymaren gasped. "What!" they said at the same time.

Yelena smirked meanly. "This is good because you two are getting married."

"No!" yelled Honeymaren and Ryder froze in shock. "Why are you doing this?"

"Because it's funny." Yelana cackled. "And wedding season is coming up. It's good luck to have a double wedding. Speaking of which, here is the couple of the hour!"

Honeymaren hugged herself as Elsa walked in, holding Sanic's hand. Yelana smiled. "Sanic has been seeking a bride for some time. When I heard, I knew Elsa would be perfect for him. I have arranged a wedding of the two most powerful beings in the universe, Sanic and Elsa. They and their children will be grateful to us."

Honeymaren looked desperately at Elsa for the first time. It was the first moment she had truly gazed into her eyes, and Elsa was looking back, her blue eyes like a frightened deer. Honeymaren couldn't be afraid, not now. "But what does _Elsa_ want?" she shouted.

Yelana smiled benignly. "Elsa has been our guest and is very fortunate to marry Sanic. I'm sure she won't pass up this excellent opportunity to up her power level and make everyone grateful."

"You didn't answer my question!" shouted Honeymaren, stamping her foot. "Elsa?" She hadn't spoken to her so directly since the days she had first met, before this unwanted feeling came. "Do you want this?"

"Honeymaren," Elsa said in a desperate tone, and Honeymaren felt the chill over her body thaw to hear her own name in that achingly sweet voice. Elsa's delicate fingers loosened from Sanic's man-claws, and ran over one of her pale locks. "I don't- I must do what is right for both Kingdoms, to keep Arendelle safe- to keep _you_ safe." It seemed to all that Elsa was speaking about the Northuldra but Honeymaren knew better. Their eyes were still fixed on each other, and it was as though Honeymaren had been freed from a maze she had navigated her entire life. She loved Elsa, loved her now that it was too late.

She rushed to her, and though Sanic tried to grab Elsa's hand, the two women clutched each other's arms. "Elsa, you can't do this. You are so powerful, so-," holding back a sob. She buried her face in her hands, but dropped them as she felt Elsa run her hand through a lock of her hair, sorrow imprinted on every feature.

"I'm such a fool," whispered Elsa. "Sanic is so powerful. I don't know if I can stop him. It will be a powerful alliance though. Once he's my wedded lord, maybe things will be-"

Honeymaren wrapped her arms around the small of Elsa's back and swirled her to the side. "You are a fool, but only if you throw your life away. We can fight him together." Their faces were inches apart and Honeymaren could feel Elsa's breath on her face. Her eyes dilated, a turmoil of fear and hope that only enhanced her beauty.

"Whoooo boy, you girls can put on a party for me later," said nasty Sanic with a filthy grin. "But hands off my girl until the wedding." Elsa yelped as Sanic grabbed her by the hips and pulled her into his lap. Honeymaren rushed toward them.

"Please," said Elsa. "I can't let him hurt you," and Elsa blocked her with a wall of ice. It stopped Honeymaren in her tracks, but it seemed weaker than usual, as though the ice simply appeared and quickly melted.

"Elsa, what is happening to your powers! This isn't right!" she yelled. Yelana laughed and slapped her hand on Honeymaren's back. "You little idiot. You think you can help Elsa? She's just a tool in our game." Yelena slipped over to Sanic and they shared a high five. "Sanic can block and drain Elsa's ice powers. When they're married he will share her powers with me."

"No!" gasped Honeymaren.

"That's right," said Yelana. Maybe I'll even give you some if you obey."

"Never!" shouted Honeymaren. "I love Elsa!"

Yelena hooted with laughed, and Sanic joined in. "Homosexuality is against God's will," said Sanic. "Unless it's to entertain red blooded men like me!"

"Ryder!" shouted Honeymaren, but her former brother looked sadly at her. "We can't fight them." he said.

Honeymaren crossed her arms and stared down her enemies. "But I know someone who can." She rushed toward the door. Yelana moved in to block her but Elsa stunned her with a cloud of snow. It quickly evaporated, leaving Yelena in a puddle of water. Elsa collapsed to the floor.

"Elsa!" yelled Honeymaren.

"Go! Please," pleaded Elsa.

"I'm going to get help!" she said and with a final parting glance she slid through the door, and made a run for it. After she had reached the thick of the woods she heard panting behind her. No! She could never outrun Sonic! But it was Ryder.

"You came!" She said happily, keeping up the pace all the while.

"Of course," Ryder panted. "I know the way better than you." She raised an eyebrow but focused on maintaining her speed. The two of them hurried deeper into the Enchanted Forest, past the rock giants and waterfalls. "We're getting closer," she said, and then slowed. "But which way?"

Ryder hunched over his knees, catching his breath. He smiled. "Somebody once told me to follow my heart. I did, and that's how I know I can always find him." He motioned toward a thick cloud of mist. Honeymaren could feel its warmth and she grinned. "This has to be it!"

The two of them steadied themselves over the rocks as they slipped onto the marshy land. Mud slipped up around their boots. It was like a hot spring here, with warm, earthy air emanating from all around.

"What are ya two doin' in ma swamp?" Honeymaren looked over, and the ogre was sitting in a hot pool of swamp water, his arms stretched over the pool's sides. He gave them a cheeky grin.

"Shrek!" said Honeymaren, smiling. "Ryder, we found him!" Ryder looked at the ground bashfully, making patterns in the mud with his toe.

"Of course ye found me! If ye follow your heart ye will always find your way to the Swamp." He winked and rose from the pool. Honeymaren turned respectfully away as he dressed himself, but there was no time to lose. She had to tell him. "Sanic is here!"

"Sonic? The Hedgehog? That's not so bad is it?" asked Shrek. He was now dressed in the familiar pants and vest. She had only met him a few times, and he didn't seek out human company, but everyone knew, in their moment of greatest need, they could turn to Shrek.

"No, Shrek," said Ryder, a thoughtful expression on his face. "It's actually 'Sanic'. He's taken Elsa for a bride!"

"Hmmm, a different story then. Will she have him?"

His gaze was so kind and wise that Honeymaren couldn't help opening her heart. "She will have him," she said, looking down.

"Ye don't look happy, lassie." Shrek frowned.

"She doesn't want him, but that's not all-" She looked up at him, afraid his kind gaze would change if she told him the truth.

"There, there. Speak yer mind. I'm listening." He placed a fatherly hand on her shoulder and she smiled, blushing.

"I love Elsa! I don't care if it's wrong, or my tribe or the whole world knows it! And I think she loves me too!"

Shrek looked at her sternly, shaking his head, and she stepped back frightened, her foot slipping into a puddle of sludge. She trembled as he walked toward her.

Honeymaren looked in alarm as he placed two huge hands on her shoulders. "Of course she loves ye, ye idiot. She can't keep her eyes off ye!" Her eyes widened and Shrek clutched his belly as he laughed. "Ye really are blind ye know. Watching after yer next catch, looking after the reindeer, but never seeing the love that's right in front of yer eyes! Bet ye never noticed this either."

Shrek picked up a wildly blushing Ryder and planted a huge kiss on his lips. Ryder returned the kiss, wrapping his arms around Shrek's powerful neck. Honeymaren giggled. "No way!"

Shrek put down Ryder, who only turned red. "Yes way! It's been going on for a while now, but this laddie's too bashful to say a thing. I know there's a tradition in your culture." Shrek placed his hands on his hips. "That double weddings are lucky." He looked over at Ryder. "What do ye think my love?" Ryder made a squeaking noise and jumped into Shrek's arms, and Honeymaren smiled brightly. Then she felt her heart sink.

"A double wedding would be wonderful. But you've forgotten. My bride is still missing."

"Not so fast!" said Shrek. "Look's like she's coming over the bend." He grimaced. "And she's got company." Elsa stepped into the light, her arm clutched by a furious Sanic. Yelana marched behind them with Matthias in tow.

"Elsa!" yelled Honeymaren, reaching toward her. Elsa lifted her hand lightly, but looked wan and dazed. "What have you done to her," she screamed at Sanic.

"Only what had to be done. _Shrek_ ," he said, tapping his foot.

"Ah, Sanic. I knew I hadn't seen the last of ye," growled Shrek. "Ye know the rules of this swamp."

"Oh yeah, and what are they?" taunted Sanic, letting go of Elsa and marching toward him.

Shrek bent over and picked up a massive log. "Gay rights!" he shouted, and threw the log so it smashed into Sanic's body, sending him flying.

"Elsa!" Honeymaren's rushed to her. Elsa was on her knees now. "He hasn't taken your powers has he?"

"Not all of them," gasped Elsa, and she gazed up at Honeymaren. "At least not my power to love." She gazed up at Honeymaren, who felt a warm glow rise up her body. "Elsa…" she whispered.

"Look out!" screamed Elsa as a blue blur came toward them. Glass like splinters flew from her hand, jolting the hedgehog out of his ball.

"What gives, baby!" he said, brushing out his coat. "To have and to hold, 'til death do us part, and all that."

"We're not married, yet," growled Elsa. "But I can grant you the death part." She rose from her knees, standing tall and looking more like the regal, proud woman Honeymaren knew.

"I'm warning you, Elsa!" sneered Sanic, marching toward her. "I can take away your little parlor tricks whenever I like."

"I don't think so, Sanic," said Shrek. "Ma swamp, ma rules. This is a place for gays and allies only."

"What?" asked Sanic, true fear dilating his unholy pupils.

"What I'm saying is that this swamp heals the gays and destroys the homophobes. You won't be destroying any more lives, any longer."

A smile rose to Elsa's lips as she shot up a beacon of beautiful white ice into the sky. The warm sun cast a glittering rainbow over all. Matthias gasped at this beauty, and frowning, aimed his crossbow at Sanic.

"Matthias, what are you doing?" shouted Yelana.

"What I should have done 35 years ago, when I first met this rodent."

"Hey Matthias, be cool man!" said Sanic, backing up. "Just a joke, kids, hehe, am I right?"

"What are you talking about?" Yelena said, her face turning red. "Put down that crossbow!"

"You've lost. And Sanic lost long ago when he made fun of my Moms in middle school. And here I'd thought you'd changed."

"I have," said Sanic, sweat dripping from his gross fur. "Listen Matthias…."

Honeymaren nocked her bow, Ryder pulled out a club, and Shrek lifted up a tree by the trunk. But it was Elsa who moved in. The ice parted, revealing a huge plunging abyss below, and Sanic trembled as he looked down.

"Bye bye, sweetie," said Elsa. "We had fun, but I got a girlfriend now." With a flick of her wrist, Elsa nudged him a few inches with a moving ice wall. He plummeted screaming from the cliff.

Everyone cheered and Yelena ran off crying. "Don't think we'll be seeing much more of her," said Ryder.

Honeymaren moved bashfully toward Elsa. "You saved us." She laughed, looking down. "No surprises, there."

Elsa beamed. "I think you might be the hero, this time." Her voice softened. "But you never noticed? That I was looking at you, thinking of- " she giggled. "No you couldn't have known that part.

Honeymaren tilted her head and felt her hands move slightly outward, so they were just grazing Elsa's waist. "I've thought of you, Elsa. Even though you felt so distant, you were always there with me, always within touching distance-" her hands slipped down Elsa's sides to her hips and she heard a little gasp. She moved inwards, her lips brushing Elsa's ear- "always close enough to whisper."

She felt a little shudder run through Elsa's body as she curled into Honeymaren's arms. Honeymaren kissed her neck, her cheek…

"Oh, don't tease me, Honeymaren," Elsa said, kissed Honeymaren, gentle at first- a play of lips, before they pressed trembling together. As they parted, Elsa traced the outline of Honeymaren's lips. "I think we have a crowd," she said, blushing.

Indeed, Shrek and Ryder were gazing at them, beaming. Matthias was looking lovingly at the two of them as well, and made a heart sign with hands. "Double wedding?" Asked Shrek.

Elsa giggled. "Maybe soon Shrek. But I think-" she bit her lip and stared at Honeymaren. "The two of us have some 'catching up' to do before wedding bells. What do you say, darling."

Honeymaren was at a loss for words. Finally, she croaked out an 'Oh, yes…" and Elsa leaned her forehead against hers. "We're going to really get to know each other aren't we?"

The two of them thanked Shrek for his kind hospitality. "I'll catch you guys later," said Ryder, looking up at Shrek and squeezing his hand. "For the first time, I think I can stay overnight without getting in trouble."

"Stay out of trouble, lassies," said Shrek. "Remember, practice self-love and consent. And as I always say 'Gay rights.' "

"Of course Shrek," said Elsa. "Come on Honeymaren, let's go home." The mist parted and Elsa released a storm of crystals overhead. She rested her head on Honeymaren's shoulder and they were bathed in rainbow light as they walk towards _home_ , hand in hand.


End file.
